People I Want to Apologize to Before I Die

After more than sixty years of life, there are people I still wish I could apologize to. But some mistakes cannot be undone, some people cannot be found again, and even an apology may not make things right.

I have lived a fairly long life—though sixty-odd years is not really that long—and over those years, I have caused trouble for quite a few people.

Whenever we deal with someone other than ourselves—in other words, with other people—some degree of friction is almost inevitable.

That friction comes in many forms. There are people I troubled in my private life, people I troubled through work, and people for whom the personal and professional somehow overlapped.

Even within my own family, there are things I look back on and think, I should apologize for what I did back then.

When I think about it that way, the number of such things is probably beyond counting.

At the very least, I would like to settle some of those particularly unpleasant memories that have stayed with me. But once I dealt with one, I am sure another would immediately come to mind, and then another after that.

I wish I could go back to that moment and undo what I did.

But I cannot.

So sometimes I think that perhaps I could find the person now and at least apologize.

In most cases, though, even that would probably be impossible.

And even if I somehow managed to meet that person again, talk about what happened, and apologize, there is no guarantee that anything would actually be resolved.

It might even make things worse.

Perhaps this is why so many novels have been written about regret, guilt, and reconciliation.

And perhaps it is also why I am able to sit here now and keep writing down these thoughts.

Maybe this is what confession really is.

Some people believe they can confess their sins to God and ask for forgiveness. I do not have such a presence in my own life, so perhaps these feelings are simply things I will have to carry with me for the rest of it.

I sometimes wonder how overwhelming such feelings must be for someone who has committed a serious crime.

Even then, does paying one’s debt to society ever bring any relief from the suffering of guilt?

Every day, the news reports on people who have caused harm to others—from theft, workplace bullying, and fraud all the way to war.

I sometimes wonder how those people manage to bear it psychologically.

But then again, their lives are theirs.

The sense of guilt each person carries—or does not carry—is ultimately an individual matter.

If I was going to end up needing to apologize to someone, perhaps I should have lived in such a way that there would never have been anything to apologize for in the first place.

But even in small ways that I never noticed at the time, I may have made someone uncomfortable or hurt someone’s feelings.

Living among other people is difficult.

And there is no system that warns us in advance about the things we will one day regret.

It is too late now to simply go back and apologize.

There is no system that warns us in advance about the things we will one day regret.

・・・

Vocabulary for Learners

friction
Conflict or tension that happens between people because of different feelings, ideas, or interests.
人間関係の摩擦、軋轢

settle something
To deal with a problem or unfinished matter so that it no longer remains unresolved.
問題や未解決のことに決着をつける

undo
To make something return to the way it was before, as if an action had never happened.
元に戻す、取り消す

reconciliation
The process of restoring a peaceful or friendly relationship after conflict.
和解、仲直り

confession
The act of admitting something wrong that you have done, especially something that causes guilt.
告白、懺悔

ask for forgiveness
To ask someone to pardon you for something wrong you have done.
許しを請う

pay one’s debt to society
To accept punishment for a crime and complete what society requires as punishment.
罪を償う、社会に対する責任を果たす

bear it psychologically
To endure something emotionally or mentally difficult.
精神的に耐える

sense of guilt
The feeling that you have done something wrong and are responsible for it.
罪悪感

in the first place
From the beginning; before the problem happened.
そもそも、最初から

#Regret #Apology #Guilt #Forgiveness #HumanRelationships #LifeReflections #LivingWithRegret