Lately, I have found myself wondering whether I have really made the most of the opportunities I was given in life—and whether growing older truly means becoming free from doubt.
Lately, there seem to be many things troubling me.
They are all different kinds of worries, and separating them out and examining them one by one feels rather tiresome. In the end, they seem to merge into one large mass sitting right in front of me.
What I have been thinking about most, though, is this:
At my age, is it really all right for me to be doing what I am doing?
Am I doing what I was meant to do, or was there something else I should have been doing instead?
This is not quite about money, status, or fame.
Those things tend only to make us want more, and there is no end to that.
Everything in life involves some kind of balance, and there is no doubt that the person I am today is the result of everything I have done up to now.
Still, it is difficult to judge whether I have truly done enough with what was given to me.
In other words, did I make the most of the opportunities that came my way?
I cannot say that I made full use of all of them. But this is the life that resulted from the choices I made, and tomorrow will come again.
Confucius must have been a remarkable man.
In The Analects, he famously looked back on the stages of his life and said that at forty he was “free from doubt”—a phrase known in Japanese as fuwaku.
At fifty, he said that he understood the mandate of Heaven, or chimei, and at sixty, that his ear had become obedient, or junji—meaning that he could listen to and accept what others said without resistance.
It is impressive to imagine reaching such states at those ages.
But I sometimes wonder whether these words were themselves the reflections of a man looking back over his life.
Perhaps it was only after sixty that he could truly feel that forty had been the age when doubt began to fade, fifty the age when he came to understand his place in the world, and sixty the age when he learned to listen.
In any case, I am still dragging fuwaku along with me.
Or rather, perhaps I have not yet reached it at all.
Even so, I can now think, at least to some extent, that the life I have lived was probably all right.
And perhaps I have also become a little better at listening to what other people have to say.
Life moves forward with all sorts of thoughts and feelings mixed together.
And I suspect that is how it has always been—and how it will continue to be.
Perhaps becoming older does not mean becoming free from doubt, but learning how to keep living while carrying doubt with us.
・・・
make the most of
To use an opportunity, ability, or situation as fully as possible.
最大限に活かす
come one’s way
To happen to someone or become available to them.
自分のもとに巡ってくる
free from doubt
No longer uncertain about one’s direction or beliefs.
迷いがない、不惑の状態にある
The Analects
A collection of sayings and teachings associated with Confucius and his disciples.
孔子と弟子たちの言行をまとめた『論語』
mandate of Heaven
In Confucian thought, the larger order or purpose that shapes one’s place in life.
天命
look back on one’s life
To reflect on one’s past experiences and choices.
自分の人生を振り返る
drag something along
Literally to pull something behind you; figuratively, to continue carrying a problem or unresolved issue.
何かを引きずる
to some extent
Partly, though not completely.
ある程度、多少は
#Confucius #TheAnalects #GrowingOlder #LifeReflections #Fuwaku #LifeChoices #Wisdom
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