It is raining heavily again today, and I find myself wondering how long this weather will continue.
Yesterday, while looking through some old drafts that I had never published, I came across one I had started writing in April 2024. It was about something I often feel whenever I have to give a presentation: how much other people seem to know, how thoroughly they prepare, and how often I end up feeling embarrassed by what I have overlooked.
As it happens, I have another presentation at a small medical meeting tonight, so I decided to bring that unfinished piece back to life.
But once I started reading it again, the subject somehow shifted. From presentations, to studying, to effort, to talent—and finally to a rather uncomfortable question.
Am I simply someone who cannot make enough effort?
It is raining heavily again today. How long is this going to continue?
Yesterday, while looking through some articles I had shelved and never published, I came across one about something I often think about when giving presentations.
I had started writing it in April 2024, but never finished it. As it happens, I have an opportunity to give a presentation at a small medical meeting tonight, so I decided to revive it.
The title was Everyone Knows So Much and Studies So Hard.
In my case, whenever I present at a conference—or, of course, at a medical meeting or academic congress—I usually end up embarrassing myself in one way or another.
There are many different ways to define “embarrassing,” but sometimes I have not examined the pathology slides carefully enough, sometimes I have not thought deeply enough about the case, and sometimes I simply have not done enough background research.
After all, when someone asks a pathologist for a diagnosis, they are not merely asking for a label. They are asking for some kind of professional “opinion.” I should always be conscious of that, but I do not think I am conscious enough of it.
The fact that I was still saying things like this even when I had reached sixty is probably a problem in itself, but it was true, so there was not much I could do about it.
Still, whether they are clinicians or pathologists, the people who are genuinely “good” at what they do seem to know an extraordinary amount—and they study constantly.
Of course, no one wants to entrust their life to a doctor who knows nothing, and if you want to know a great deal, you have to study.
And that was where the draft ended.
Hmm.
It has now been almost three years since I turned sixty, and I am still standing up in front of people and embarrassing myself. Even for tonight’s presentation, I still cannot come up with a satisfactory conclusion.
No progress.
There is now less of my life ahead of me than behind me, so perhaps I should be asking whether this is really acceptable.
But then again, perhaps I was never one of those “capable people” in the first place.
If I am not naturally capable, then the obvious answer is that I should compensate by working harder.
But perhaps the people who are capable of making that effort are precisely the people we call “capable.”
And someone like me, who cannot make enough effort, will therefore never become one of them.
Making an effort is genuinely difficult.
To make an effort, you have to give up something you would rather be doing.
But what exactly is it that you want to do?
Become an admirable person?
Become better educated?
Make a name for yourself in the arts?
Then again, is working toward something you genuinely want really “effort”?
If you are doing it because you want to achieve something, perhaps it does not even feel like effort.
And what if you had talent?
Would that solve the problem?
Probably not.
Even if you had a reasonable amount of talent and could get quite far without much struggle, in the end, without sustained effort, you would never truly excel.
Hmm.
Instead of wasting time thinking about something this pointless, I should simply get back to preparing for tonight’s presentation.
But perhaps the fact that I am sitting here thinking about all this instead is yet another sign that I really am someone who cannot make enough effort.
Or perhaps I simply lack ability.
How did an article originally titled Everyone Knows So Much and Studies So Hard end up becoming something like this?
Or perhaps this is all simply because I am getting nervous.
Perhaps what I call a lack of effort is sometimes nothing more than anxiety looking for an explanation.
・・・
shelve
To decide not to continue or use something for the time being.
いったん棚上げにする、お蔵入りにする
revive
To bring something back into use, activity, or attention.
復活させる、よみがえらせる
background research
Research done to understand the context or details of a subject more deeply.
背景を理解するための調査、下調べ
entrust
To give someone responsibility for something important.
任せる、委ねる
compensate for
To make up for a weakness, disadvantage, or lack of something.
不足や弱点を補う
sustained effort
Effort that continues steadily over a long period of time.
継続的な努力
excel
To be exceptionally good at something.
秀でる、卓越する
masquerade as
To appear to be something different from what it really is.
～のように見せかける、～の姿をとる
#Effort #SelfReflection #Learning #MedicalLife #Pathology #KAMAKURA #JapanesePathologist
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